What Bears Know
What’s up with the bear logo? Ten things I have learned from a mama bear
When my sons were little, one of them used to ask me questions all the time: Do you think I should spend the night at Spencer’s’s house? Should I wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Without giving it much thought, I’d always answer with a definitive choice: Yes, I think you would have fun at Spencer’s. Wear the blue one – it looks good with your eyes.
Fast forward to the beginning of sixth grade, as he was entering the adolescent gauntlet, when kids are confronted with many, many chances to make really bad choices. And he mentioned, just in passing, “Mom, I am the worst decision maker.” Not what you want to hear from a kid who is, perhaps in the near future, going to be offered illicit substances or have to think about whether it’s worth pausing to put the condom on or if he should pass a car while driving in the canyon.
In a moment of clarity (yes, I know this is obvious to the reader at this stage, but it was kind of a thing for me), I understood the price tag for my decisiveness: making choices for other people is maybe not all that helpful and can, in fact, lead them to indecision, anxiety, and a belief about themselves that they can’t make good choices. I vowed, as a mom, never to make another decision for him. I was happy to discuss, to ask questions about what was there, help him catalog his pros and cons, and ask him to connect with what his own intuition might know. But red versus blue? That was on him.
That’s what the mama bear knows.
She’s trying to raise cubs into bears, and they will need to know how to fish, to forage, to protect themselves, to recognize danger. Compassion is urgently important with other humans (and bears, too), but there’s just not much space there for coddling, solving other’s problems, or making choices that belong to others.
That was a time when I channeled my inner mama bear, and it turned out to be one of my best parenting choices. How, I wondered, could I cultivate more of that?
Here are nine more wise things bears know that I strive to emulate:
1. Mama bears aren’t looking for fights, but beware if you piss one off.
2. Mama bears don’t placate their cubs. Why? Because handing balloons or cookies – literally or metaphorically – to your cubs (and others in your life) when they are crying might suggest to them that their tears are worrisome, bad and unsafe. There is a huge gift in being able to tolerate someone else’s despair – not fix it, not reframe it, and not look for cheer until they’re ready.
3. Berries and salmon on the other hand = superfoods. Honey = delightful.
4. Have a thick skin. Lots of those scratchy brambles in the woods really aren’t personal.
5. Fierce courage is often the way to go; many of us could use that more in our lives. And when I use the word courage, I don’t mean not scared, I mean really scared and still willing to try.
6. Bears live in permission to be bears. They really don’t appear to care overmuch what anyone else thinks.
7. A bear, according to the park rangers at Yellowstone, can smell the difference between Pepsi and Coke in a can in a cooler in a car. We all have better senses and intuition than we think – I’d sure like to use mine more.
8. Long nap? Yes, thanks, I think I will.
9. Winnie the Pooh is a bear, and despite being bumbling a lot of the time, he dwells solidly in contentment.
These concepts have been important to me as a parent, a wife, a friend, a supervisor, and never more so as I’ve transitioned into also being a coach: it’s my job to trust that each person is capable – with help, tools, and respect – of finding his own path, answering his own questions, and connecting with his or her own best plan. My logo is a constant reminder to me about the magnificence of my clients and all the other people in my life.