What’s That Thing They Say About Serenity?

28 years ago, I woke up and said, “Today is the day I am getting married.”

And today, I am observing, but not celebrating, that anniversary.  And, for whatever reason, I started thinking about the Serenity Prayer – you know, the one that counsels us to change what we can, accept what we can’t change, and pray for the wisdom to know the difference.

The key to the prayer is the part about asking for the wisdom to know the difference. So, how DO we get the wisdom to know the difference? To find that serenity? Many people use prayer, and I respect that.  But for me, looking back: I could have been braver and used my words. I could have been more curious, creative and resourceful in many, many situations.

In my 20s, I really believed that we have the power to change people.  Now I see something else: each of us is a kangaroo, and we all hop.  In our own ways.  In often predictable ways. The fact that another kangaroo hops has literally not one thing to do with me: I don’t make them hop.  And I sure can’t make them stop hopping, either. And how they choose to hop and express their journey is not mine to control – or even to judge.

I sure tried to teach values to my children, to request what I wanted or needed from my husband, to seek validation from my family. But these days I can see: they all hop today just like they have all along.  And if they changed – if they modified that hop in some way – it was because they wanted to.  And if they didn’t change in other ways, it was because they weren’t ready to. And my role? Nada. Zilch. Not one little bit.

And there is unbelievable lightness in this knowing. And new things are possible from accepting.

Conversely, I overpacked things into the “acceptance” box – things that didn’t strictly belong there. Things I told myself, “Well, that’s just the way it is.” And an important distinction: that’s the way it IS doesn’t actually mean that’s the way it NEEDS TO BE or that’s the way it WILL ALWAYS BE. I hoped and crossed my fingers for things I desired and needed. And that did not generally serve me.

But as I have let myself receive wisdom, to see what I could change and what I can’t, I have changed what I could. I have changed my relationships, my boundaries, my openness to messes and emotions. And I have a lot left to learn.

Twenty-eight years ago, it was the first day of spring, the first day of spring break for both of our grad school programs.  I had wanted it to snow, but although it was grey and wintery, and there was snow on the ground, it didn’t comply. I was scared and confident, both. I felt in charge of the day and totally not. And it’s been a long road to the wisdom to know the difference.

Whose hops are you trying to change? To start a conversation, please reach out.