A Bully We All Need To Stand Up To

You get to be sad about things you did.  You do not get to bully yourself about them.

This is “pearl of wisdom” number two from my 99-year-old future self.

Disliking bullies isn’t really controversial. No one likes being bullied, or even being around bullies. When we are bullied out in the world, we come up powerless and shamed. We take shrapnel from cruel words and manipulative behavior.

But I’m not talking about the bullies out there.  I’m challenging us to listen for the bully inside.

I was telling a friend about a difficult negotiation with a lot of family and many moving parts around an upcoming holiday, and in the retelling I was, apparently, very unkind to myself.  I spoke about how I had “butchered” it and “given away” an experience that mattered to me.  How idiotic and stupid I felt. I was taking shrapnel from my own cruel words.  She stopped me.

The bullies in middle school were, as it turns out, nothing compared to the one in my brain. It’s the voice of laceration and flagellation that gave me no credit for trying my best in that recent conversation – or, if we’re being honest, ever.  The voice that speaks to me with words and a tone that are so unkind that I would NEVER speak to another human being like that. If I ever did, he or she would have NOTHING to do with me.

Here’s the impact of listening to my bully: That harsh voice makes me feel like I’ve lost, like I should hide away somewhere.  It forecloses any possibility of learning from what I didn’t do well.  It turns the lights off so shame can fester in the dark.

It’s cruel to be bullied by another person; it’s both cruel and a betrayal to bully yourself. Think about all the ways you abandon yourself when you hate your body, beat yourself up for how you did something, shame yourself for something you said.

I think the antidote is compassion.

Here’s the first step: pay attention. What does your bully sound like? What is the dance you’re doing? What feels familiar about it?

My invitation this week: notice it. Turn to it and say, No. Find a different voice to speak in, one you would use with someone else, someone you love. And try again.  What can you learn? What needs to happen to forgive yourself? Ask a friend to stop you when your bully voice takes over. Find some compassion for yourself.

You get to be sad about things that don’t turn out, things you aren’t proud of, ways you showed up in the world.  You do not get to bully yourself.

For more information about MKC Coach, or to schedule a free sample coaching session, please email Margaret.