Alone? Lonely? Or Simply Embracing Solitude?

I have often said – and believe – that being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Being alone is simply the absence of other people.  Being lonely is when you forget or can’t feel into the ways you are connected to yourself, your community, your faith. It is generally a very sad and suffering-filled state. It feels like an ache for something that is missing.

I’ve been doing an inquiry lately on whether those two definitions resonate with me, and whether I can transform my somewhat sketchy relationship with what it means to be alone, without assuming that alone will inevitably bring loneliness. I’ve spent a lot of time alone recently. It has been echo-y at times, the absence of another heartbeat nearby, and a recent winter cold really turned the volume up.  When you are sick, no one wants to be near you and your germs.  That “quarantine” was powerfully symbolic in some unwelcome ways.

I know a lot of people who can (honestly) say they hate being alone.  I’m not judging them. They get to be in choice about it all.

But I have some idea that I should be open to it, open to becoming one of those people who says – and means – that I enjoy my own company enough. Someone once told me that loneliness is an internal, not an external problem.  Another good friend reminds me that I get to be with ME, with my smart, loving,  goofy, messy, wise, sassy self. I have some idea that doing this work, being on this journey is going to lead to better connections and relationships in the future. But it’s a journey.

So I was very happy to read a recent post by writer Elizabeth Gilbert, who offered another perspective on the topic of aloneness, which she refers to as solitude.  She confesses that when she was in her 20s, she was terribly afraid of solitude.  She remembers telling some friends that she could literally imagine nothing worse than coming home every night to an empty house.

She writes: “just for the record: Solitude is not the same thing as isolation. Isolation is when you cut yourself off from the world; solitude is when you open yourself up to it completely, but with no distractions from anybody else.” She goes onto talk about connecting to her own creativity, memories, stories and spirit when she spends time in solitude.

I’m going to try to embrace her perspective.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Interested in exploring some new perspectives in your journey? Please reach out to schedule a sample coaching session.