Dear Amy, How Can You Be So Sure?

Some time ago, my local paper replaced Dear Abby with Ask Amy.  I was never a dedicated reader of Abby, and I must have just let my eyes wander to Amy’s advice column because it was new.  And now, I can’t seem to stop reading it – in the same way that it’s hard to force myself to look away from a car wreck.

Her certainty astounds me.

I am stunned time and time again at the rampantly sure tone in her specific solutions or advice. Your husband is a dirtbag! You should definitely tell your parents you’re gay! You sound like you need a therapist! You need to walk away from this relationship, pronto!

Sometimes, I nod along with her advice. Often, I enjoy the column.  But always, my jaw drops.  What would it feel like to be that certain about anything in another person’s life – especially based on a few paragraphs of information?

Here’s what I think I know: all of us sometimes wish that someone else had your answer, your decision, your solution.

Here’s what else I think I know: they don’t.

It’s so tempting to believe that someone else will solve our problems for us.  Send in the white stallion with the answer!  Write Ask Amy … She’ll tell me what to do!

Someone (even Amy) may make a suggestion, and it may resonate: “Yes! That is true for me. I want to do that.”  Or, you might push back: “Go away! You don’t know what’s going on for me.” But here’s the thing: others’ words are only triggering something in you – something you already suspected or even knew was your truth, whether you had articulated it yet or not.

And certainty might be different from clarity.  Certainty, according to the dictionary in my brain, connotes no possibility of doubt or mistake-making.  It’s the space of: Failure is NOT an option. Clarity, which is what I aspire to, means I only know what I want to try next.  Where to put my foot next.  Even if it’s a bad plan, I want to try it because it will inform the next next.

Change comes from the changer being at the center of the plan, with clarity from within – not without – about what to try next.

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