The Second Stay

Tibby is 4-legged and 4 months old, black with white areas, soft and furry, and full of puppy mischief and fun.  While she is a proficient pooper (outside even, most of the time!), she doesn’t know how to stay yet.

We humans, even those of us who are well older than four months, could probably use some training in the same areas as Tibby.  What does it mean, actually, to stay?

When Tibby first learns to stay (keep your fingers crossed!), she will almost certainly be all wiggles.  She might (or might not) physically stay put, but her attention is going to be on the promised treat or temptation that’s not in her immediate snout reach.

So what’s your staying power?

Here’s where most of us can work on the stay: in the face of angry words, a hard truth said without grace, feedback, conflict, or even something mean. In a challenging conversation, my “stay” might be not unlike Tibby’s.  I might have made the excellent choice not to leave the room or bolt.  I might even resist glancing at my phone. Nonetheless, my physical presence is all that’s still in the conversation. 

I’m pretty sure you’ve had this moment, either one-on-one or in a group. It’s uncomfortable.  It’s that thing where you feel tension in the air, and there’s a whole cliché about cutting it with a knife. You might notice that you’re pissed or hurt or numb.  Your ego might be loudly protesting.  And why do you stick around? It might be polite or that you are well-trained and almost certainly have good intentions.  Maybe you’re just professional.  But is it enough?

The leadership model I am learning about offers the concept of a second stay. While it does have a lot of things it implies, one is – to my mind – about losing the wiggle. What if the after the first stay of staying put, the second stay involved getting the rest of you to join your body in the stay too? In Tibby, it might look like calm or patience.  For us humans, it might look like adding to your physical presence: your attention, your intention, your engagement, your emotional self. What if you could really stay in the conversation: what might be possible then?

I am learning that in these times when we don’t do so well listening to other people, especially if we perceive that we have differences, this practice can make hearing more possible – and can possibly lead to more creativity or problem solving. I challenge you to try it: stay once because you’re polite. 

Then, stay a second time because you care.

And I’ll let you know how that dog training is coming along!

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